Another story from this last yearon 6 October 2013 at 12:12
Going back to this post, I suppose I said I would write other stories… Since now I have the time to do it, let’s get it on!
There was this friend who I don’t really talk to in a very regular basis. We’re pals, yes, but we’re not the kind of pals who talk to each other everyday or even everyweek. Let’s just say that although we got along pretty well and did stuffs together, we were not that close.
And that is why it took me a long time to tell this person I was sick.
Because, at first, I thought I could keep it to myself. Then I looked for comfort in my closest friends. But some of these just weren’t there for me and others were really busy with classes and work… Most of my problems would occur at nighttime, because that’s when my medication’s effects started to fade. Unfortunantely, by then, most of my closest friends were attending night classes too. And this kinda severely cut the people I could go to whenever I felt the blues comming. Although the person I called bro was frequently available at this time, he just couldn’t care enough to nurse me through these moments thus making me even sadder. It may seem desperate, but at this point I’d either close up over myself and cry myself to sleep or turn into people I otherwise wouldn’t go on exposing my weakest spots.
And it was on one of these times I found myself talking to this person who was a friend and the results were rather surprising.
For this person was extremely comprehensive and even told me that he’d been through something similar, but a lot worse (according to his description, I’m assuming he had it way worse), so he understood how I was feeling and he knew exactly what I was thinking about. Because right then I felt alone and somewhat abandoned and I just wanted to stop talking to everyone and face my things alone, I was craving for isolation. And he just verbalized what I was thinking, while also telling me that I shouldn’t do it. He told me that my brain was acting on extremes – I either had my friends by my side to help me or I’d just go into hermit mode – and that I should do my best to not engage into such behaviour. That I should try to do other things, you know, insteado of just working: to try and talk more to other people and do activities with them, to have fun, to go and look back at my hobbies and dive into them.
All of these things sounded extremely difficult to do at the moment. My friends were having classes when I was having free time from work, so we couldn’t really hang out. I really didn’t feel any motivation to do any of my hobbies. I was actually losing the drive to talk to people at all and more into becoming an automaton that goes to work and comes home and goes back to work.
But I knew where this advice was comming from. I knew that these were the things that helped him getting out of his own hole in order to have a better life. He knew exactly how I was feeling and he was proving me with a solution… I had to try it. It may be hard to do it, but anything would be better than being the automaton I was on my way to become. So, from then on, I would try my best to follow his advice.
And I did. Even though my friends had classes, I’d try to set up dates when they didn’t have them. This turned out to be extremely difficult because classes come with an extra called homeworks. But if I had my share of classes and work and homeworks to do and I could come up with a day I could hang out, so could people with considerably less heavy schedules. Apparently, that’s not exactly true and most of the time my friends couldn’t make breaches in their schedules. Too bad. Trying to get some time with my bestfriend was hard since most of the time he didn’t even have time to speak with me if I was feeling down, he kinda had games to play and priorities are a tricky thing. In order to solve this, I’d have to stick to what my friends could give me, which would be hanging out once every few weeks. But this was hardly enough to suit my needs so I kinda had to start hanging out with other people than my closest friends. It was pretty much a matter of whoever was available. I just wanted to spend as little time alone as I could.
Going back to my hobbies meant buying some new art supplies and forcing myself to draw a lot. Whenever all my hanging out strategies failed, I’d turn to drawing and painting. This meant I spent a whole lot of time drawing and painting alone by my desk and filled several notebooks. I also decided this was a good time to start watching movies, which inevitably lead to me consuming tons and tons of sci-fi, both in movie and book formats. And that really made me happy because it allowed me to look at things differently: all that sci-fi about computers reminded me why I like AI so much and that probably helped me tons in getting motivated to do my job properly again.
It’s not like me and this friend started talking everyday since, but every now and then he’d take the initiative to come ask me how I was dealing with the meds and what to expect from dosis changes and, in general, just asking how I was dealing with everything.
Looking back, I can see that such a little chat made wonders for me. Yes, not all the solutions were easy and trying to engage in some of them actually made me sadder but I know the advice was good. And I know that if it weren’t for the difficulties, it would have been excelent and it would have worked much faster. But that little chat gave me the will to take initiative and try to do things and that was good. Also, I can’t even begin to describe how good it felt to know that someone understood what I was going through.