Suddenly I understood I live in a recurrent state of stress.

It all came to me when my work colleague V asked me if I wanted to sleep over at her place. After my enthusiastic “YES” she retorted something among the lines of “boy, you sure don’t want to go home”. And then I noticed that yeah I didn’t want to go home. That yeah every odd day I was complaining about something upsetting my sister had done at our City house that was nerve-wrecking to me. Suddenly it came to me my life in the City wasn’t better than my life back in the little town.

And this was mostly because I could not feel at ease at home. Living in the City has tons of advantages and I am not considering going back over housely inconveniences. However, it does affect my well being.

My younger sister, who I currently live with, is four years younger than me. I used to think I’d get along with her better than I would with my older sister and hey, maybe I do. But we don’t get along very well.

(I’m going to excuse many things over the “Oh she’s young, there are many things she doesn’t know” instead of going straight to the “she’s being mean and selfish and spoiled”)

Even thought I have lent her two pairs of my headphones, my third pair still finds its way into her purse. Weird. Even though I have lent her two pairs of my headphones, she still had the nerve to rudely say she didn’t have any when I asked her to get some headphones on because her computer was being too noisy for me to be able to sleep (and yes I had earbuds, so just imagine). It took a while for her to actually start using the headphones and keep the vollume down.

We share the same room, so there’s also the ligth problem. She doesn’t do the same sleep schedule as I do so she usually stays up watching some series much later than me. But she needs the lights on. It doesn’t matter if I am trying to sleep for two hours. She must never lower the light’s power.

I had good nights when she was out for vacations for almost a month. I haven’t had proper sleep nights since she came back. It doesn’t matter if I have an important meeting in the following morning, it doesn’t matter if I had a long trip on the previous day and thus have a dire need for long periods or rest. If she’s home, I don’t get sleep. I found myself buying an eye mask and thinking about just how crappy things are and how much my sister has decided she must not treat me with the basic decence you must treat any other human being.

And sleep is only the begginging.

I buy most of the food and most is an understatement. I buy most of the food and she eats most of the food. It took me a while and a long rant to get her to sometimes buy snacks (which seems to be, in her opinion, everything a person needs to survive because that’s all the food stuffs she’s ever going to buy). At first I would excuse this thinking that Oh she makes a lot less money than I do so it’s only fair that I pay the most. Except when I buy things for me which I never get to eat and when I noticed I was cooking twice as much so she could take food to college the next day and my mom was giving her lunch money too. Where does that money go? Hard to tell, since it is not being spent on edible food. Actually I don’t really care where and how she spends her money since it’s none of my business, but since she doesn’t buy food that can actually be cooked into a meal and expects me to do so instead, it puts a drain on my paycheck.

More often than not, I find out that I bought something and by the time I decide to use it, it has been eaten already. It has happened so often I have long decide to buy nothing I am not going to cook immediately.

And ever since then, our fridge is pretty much always near empty because I just can’t afford to keep buying things I don’t have a change to touch and that are not replaced. I can’t go on buying food I am not going to eat. I can’t go even once more buying something I intend to cook a few days later only to then find out I can’t because it has already been eaten. I can’t keep on using my own money to feed someone who just won’t stop eating as long as there’s something edible in the kitchen.

Because the contents of the fridge found drastic drops recently, my sister decided to tell my parents that she’s considering going back home in the village. She says that living in the city is too expensive and that she’s pratically starved. Because you know, I have to cook dinner for her and lunch for her following day so she can spend her lunch money in something else but she’s so totally being starved. It’s like she thinks she’s living with her mother and that she can demand things for me. She complains that food is expensive and demands that I buy more food because we don’t have any at home. “Olive oil is gone, you need to buy more”, “tomato sauce is gone, you need to buy more”, “we ran out of noodles”, “we don’t have any pasta or rice, you need to buy more” and here I am thinking Do I really NEED to buy more? Or is that something maybe YOU should start to do for a change? I buy her things because she’s my sister and I cook for her as well. But then she complains that it’s not enough. But here’s the catch: I was never under any obligation of doing any of those things. I am not her mother. I don’t have to buy her food, I don’t have to cook for her, I do not have to spend more of my paycheck so she can spend less of hers. I was doing these things because I do not feel ok with the thought of living in the same house as my sister and not cooperating with her and trying to keep my things as further away from hers as possible. I don’t like that. However, I feel like if I don’t do so, she’s going to take advantage of me. I do not have to be the mother of a spoiled 20yo who does not understand yet that other people must be treated with respect and that living does actually cost money.

For a while now she has been talking about how she’d like it that we moved some other place where we wouldn’t have to share a room, because “I’d like to have a room for myself, I need some privacy” and I laugh because I would totally move to somewhere I wouldn’t have to share a room with her but it wouldn’t be out of my will to give her some privacy, but out of my need to get away from her for a while.