84 results.
Mar15
sad

It’s as if the issue is solely in my head

by wapy on 15 March 2013 at 9:37

It’s really, really upsetting when someone offends you and saddens you and, when you try to bring the issue up – to get it solved – it is classifyed as being “a minor issue”.

“Oh, why did you have to bring that up? It’s not like it’s worth talking about!”
Because in the end, if a problem is affecting only one of the involved parties, it is mostly likely existant only in that party’s head.

And I’m not exactly the person who’s phyisically able to stay mad at others for long periods. This is kind of a free pass for others to treat me as they well please while thinking they don’t need to solve things up afterwards or answer for their behaviours. After all, it will fade away with time, right? All they have to do is silently, avoidingly wait for me to “get over it”! Woah, what an efficient procedure.

Exceot that in the end of the day, it solves nothing – it just opens a precendent so they’ll know the next time things will go exactly the same way and will end up exactly the same way – me adjusting, me keeping up, me bearing things, me trying to avoid further conflict by restraining my behaviour.

And then I only slept four hours because my head was so filled with conflict and today I have some kinda important things to get done and I can’t see me doing them properly. Bah.

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Jan06
hmm

The first post of the year is a ranty little rant

by wapy on 6 January 2013 at 19:03

If I haven’t made any posts yet this year, it’s because I’ve started it in a bad mood. The new year’s eve, which I had to spend with my family, sucked pretty badly. Good thing I still have the ability to go into my inner world and spend time with my thoughts…

So I have to confess I realised, looking back at 2012, that I was missing something. I don’t find it normal that all my personal achievements have been professional in nature. To take a good look at things, it was the year I stopped having schedule in common with most of my friends at college, and they also stopped dropping by due to fewer classes – and why would they drop by to pay a visit? Hmpf. The amount of face-to-face time dropped so drasticly, I had to consider myself lucky if I catched my peeps for 10 minutes a week. Things got pretty lonely, save for a few exceptions.

Maybe this helped me figuring I miss group activities, to have a common goal with other people and do stuff together. To feel envolved. I obviously get some of that while at work, but I don’t wish for 2013 to be another sucession of days where I work and kill time until I am working again. I love my job, but I feel I need to do other things, to talk about other things, to go to other places, to spend time with people, to get out of the box. I have so many passions and loves and stars inside me and so much I could be talking about, and yet it seems like nobody can or will listen.

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Dec07
confus

Chapter 49, section 2

by wapy on 7 December 2012 at 13:52

I haven’t been writting as frequently as of late because these past days have been pretty shitty for me and I do not like to write about the same subjects over and over. Truth is, it’s always same old doubts haunting me and I don’t know what to do about them anymore. I got seriously worried about the mini-panick-attack I had two days ago, as it a new symptom and an unexpected one. So it was obviously one of the subjects I talked to the doctor about – she reminds me of a friend of mine and maybe that’s why it’s so easy to talk to her?

But if I have been waking up feeling miserable and proceed to be an annoying nuisance lately, today I woke up feeling extraordinairly well. I can think about subjects that two days ago would cause me terrible grief without panicking or losing my mind. I feel like I’ve just accepted some things about life. For those who don’t know what I am talking about, I’ll make you a summary of the most recent fever:

Ever since I put some time into thinking about if I am or not important to the people around me, I realised this is not the kind of hole I can crawl out of using nothing but sheer willpower. I consider there to be two main kinds of disturbing thoughts – or doubts, if you feel like having an euphemism. Some of them I can solve by myself, without external aid and the others… I need some help. How can I know for sure if I am important to person A or B if I have no evidence of it? I can’t just tell myself “you’re important, lad!” and act like that solves anything. No, I need other people’s thoughts to help me out. Sure, I can just go and ask people about it and hope they’re sincere, but words are not actions and what a person says isn’t always what they act like and much less what they think like.

Truth is, I feel like some people might be giving up on me. As if suddenly I am too much for them to handle, as if I am out of their Comfort Zone; people who act like they don’t have the time or just can’t be bothered with my metaphysical problems. If I’d like to think otherwise? I’d love to, really, I wish I could have that kind of certainty. Have I evidence allowing me to belive they care? I don’t. No, guys, you can’t just tell me I am wrong in all of this and then act like I’m too much for you to handle. I do believe in your words for a while, but if I don’t see you acting accordingly, I’ll soon forget what you might have said.

Because things can get really confusing for me and that brings up more uncertainty. I have been told, on the very same day, that I was becoming unbearable, that I was being too picky, that I was too much to handle, that I am never happy with anything people do, that I put too much pressure into people’s shoulders with this whole stupid idea of wanting to know if I really mean something, if I really am an important part of other people’s lives. I was told that all these issues make people feel like it would be better for them to just leave me alone to face my monsters by myself… That they’d rather step away, so they’d have their peace, like I’m some whiny, noisy child. And then I am also told that they truly want to help me out and be by my side during these dark ages. And then I don’t know what to think anymore, because those are two contraditory statements! I don’t know, maybe they truly changed their mind or realised the amount of (perhaps undeserved?) crap they’ve been telling me. But in the end, I find myself thinking that, deep down, these people have already given up on me. How else could they act like it so easy to just abbandon me? They make it sound like it’s not that hard for them to leave me alone with my unresolved externalsissues. So maybe they don’t really believe it, maybe it is really hard for them to give up on me, but how I am supposed to know that? It’s just easier for me to just think of things in polar opposites; and start acting like I’ve already been given up on. I gotta stop assuming they’ll be there for me, that’s plain simple. On the meantime, some people have not given up on me and I should foccus my thoughts on those people instead.

And it’s rather incredible how the incapacitating angst this would make me feel just the day before yesterday and how everything seems so simple today. Maybe one day I’ll end up alone, but somehow that doens’t seem that much of a bad fate anymore. After all, I have warned everybody about my dysfunctional brains and if they don’t feel like being there for me because I’m going through something rough, then the conclusion I gotta make seems pretty obvious.

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Dec04
tired

Chapter 46

by wapy on 4 December 2012 at 23:31

Reacting to normal things in a completely unproportional way is not funny.

I think meds were the only thing standing between me and a full-fledge panic attack.

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Nov22
hi

Chapter 33

by wapy on 22 November 2012 at 10:35

I am tired of being tired all the time.

This emotional rollercoaster I’ve been going through is tiresome. Oh so damn tiresome! I am so constantly tired it feels like my natural state, as if I’ve never been anything other than that. I want to rest so hard but I don’t know how to do it. Paradoxes pile up around me and I don’t know how to deal with them. I do not know how to show others how close I am to breaking. How I am so tired of everything.

I need to take drugs to tame the monster so I can finally feel like myself again. But I can’t shake the fear that as soon as I stop taking them, the monster will take over again. And even when it is jailed, I can hear its little voice telling me I should be alone, that I am so immensely tired. There’s no place to hide from that. Once again, isolation appears as the prefered way out, but not the way I want to take. The counscious part of myself is still in charge… But for how long? What if I open the door to discover the monster never left, but was instead just waiting for another change to come out?

How do I explain people how tiring it is to start working at 9:00 and leave at 23:30 and how the future only seems to hold more work? And how do I tell them that even on the days I do not have classes and I could leave my job around 17:30, I feel like I should stay longer because I just can’t breathe at home?

Why do I have to tell people at home that I was working on the few days that I spend out with my friends? It’s as if going out, doing something other than adult stuff is an irresponsability. How do I tell people I will eventually go crazy and they’ll only giving me more reasons for so.

Why do I have to put other people’s needs first instead of mine? Why do I always have to care about other people’s getting enough rest or not having their schedules messed while mine gets all crammed up? I am breaking up in prime time, before everybody and nobody seems to see.

I can’t go on forever putting others first. And no matter how unnatural that may seem to me, I have to stop doing that if I want to stay sane. I just wonder if I’ll ever have the courage or guts to fight for my place.

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Nov22
tired

Chapter 32

by wapy on 22 November 2012 at 9:51

I spent the morning with the awesome Mangalho and she drew stuff in my notebook :3 Too bad it wasn’t dicks, but hey, I love gift arts! We also chatted a lot and shared arts and saw eachothers doodles and everything was good.

I also had a boring meeting and then I had some snack with my bro and then I went for dinner with my peeps and we had pizza! And it was awesome.

But I’ve been having conflictive feelings. I wish I had slept for another hour or two so I’d be able to write it better-ly, but I’ll give it a try.

You see, I am usually – or at least, so I think – the kind of person who will be there to listen to other people’s rants and sighs. Otherwise, how could I even expect people to be there to listen to me if I myself need to rant about something or vent something out? Think of it as some sort of contract I agreed to.

But then, sometimes, I get tired. It gets tiresome to always be there and try to always be supportive; somethings will just sound plain simple, others will sound like the plaintiff is not exactly thinking about my position. I mean, it does not feel fair to complain that your eyesight isn’t that good to a blind person, right? That’s what I am trying to get. When one’s trying to complain about something that I happen to have worse, I don’t exactly know how can I keep on being comprehensive and friendly. I try, but it doesn’t come off naturaly. And sometimes, nothing friendly even comes out and then I feel guitly.

Damn, I have so many guilty feels. I do not want to have guilty feels about this.

I should stop dealing in extremes. Although I want to be there for my friends at all times I also have to understand that I don’t have to put up with everything? That’s a thought… Still hard for me to grasp. I do not wish to sound harsh! I wish I could be nice at all times, but I’m getting the feel that such is simply impossible. I guess I’ll just have to deal with the fact that I am still only human.

And that so are my friends.

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Oct24
blink

Regarding yesterday’s post

by wapy on 24 October 2012 at 11:08

Writting two posts in a row, somehow, doesn’t feel right.

My friend decided, for once, to take the iniciative to talk to me about this last weekend’s events, to let me know how guilty he felt and how much of a persona non grata he acted like. But I could tell he was regretful by the time I laid my eyes on him – I could just tell something was not right with him as well. After the current situation was discussed, I felt the need to let everything out of my chest: including the things that made me feel that this last affair was such a big deal. I had to let him know that I was feeling sad and secondary; that sometimes he made me feel like I was the least important of his friends, that it was so simple to stop talking to me. That I felt like I was only a friend for as long as I was needed, and a nuisance when there was no work for me. As I vented these things out, I came to realise that I was talking much more about my own insecurities than the things he had actually done (or failed to do).

Because in the end of the day, I have been in this position way too many times; I have been the secondary friend, the person nobody remembers when they’re away, the person who’s company is only endured when something can be sucked out of me. And after such a long time being treated like that, I eventually came to the conclusion that maybe they were not wrong – maybe the problem was rather something about ME. There was something about me that made me unfriendable. Nowadays, it feels like I’ll panic as soon as I see any patterns or behaviours that remind me of that past. And I can become very untrusty when I start thinking about it.

But he was as comforting as one could be. Because he understood why I felt that way and although it made him sad that I thought such, that it was understandable. He then told me that he wasn’t ungrateful – au contraire! – but he just didn’t know how to show it to me, because he too felt unable to help me when I needed, as if there was a wall around me, and I know that. I have to recognize that, just like there are somethings to me that are hard to say or show, there are those things for everyone else. He told me that sometimes I helped him in such ways that there was simply no possible retribuition he could give. He didn’t know how to show his appreciation then, and the opportunity would eventually fade away and he’d pass off as ungrateful when that simply wasn’t the case.

Nonetheless, it’s always good to have some feedback, to know more than just half of the story. I do believe it is best to know. With only half of the evidences, there were only a few conclusions I could take, which would, obviously and forcefully, be wrong by lack of data. I was happy to know I had been wrong all the time, I was happy as I could be to know that I am important to the people I find important. In the end, it was just a communication problem, a misunderstanding.

I feel I have learned somethings with this. I now know that my insecurities can completely distort the way I see things; and that the only reward I could ever want is a little bit of certainty (which I have now), to know that I am not wasting my time. And now I know that I can’t just simply let my past experiences lead my present and future life, because I will end up not only hurting myself, but also those involved who actually care about me. Beause I did know that I was going to say some hurtful things, but also that those things had to come out anyways. I know telling someone you feel like you can’t trust their friendship is going to hurt, no matter how you put it. But I had to say it, I had to know – and now I know and it feels great.

:3

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Oct23
toomuch

I’m disappoint

by wapy on 23 October 2012 at 9:30

Yesterday I realised that it is indeed possible for me to help and be by someone’s side for months (heck, years even!) and when the final moment comes, this person finds someone obviously more important and now I’m nothing but a setback, I’m just being plain annoying, I am not needed anymore. I am not even deserving of an explanation, because apparently people do not have to be considerate for their friends and obviously they don’t even think of the consequences of their own actions.

I’m sincerely hoping they don’t think they’re solving this up by simply saying sorry and keep on treating me like a second-rate friend.

I had a shitty day yesterday because I thought they’d have the consideration to remember me, to aknowledge my role in their life and realise that I was geniunely concerned and I just wanted to help, I just wanted to be a part of it. I waited in vain. I was only remembered after the deadlines were over and now I have to ear the escuses like “I wasn’t able to contact you, I’m so so so so sorry”, but I’m not buying. As far as I know, I’m online pretty much all the time and cellphones exist as well. I am surprised by this person’s commitment. But maybe I am the one who expects to much and just wants special treatment, maybe I think I’m even more deserving of special treatment because my brains fried up (which is everyone’s excuse right now for avoiding me, the paradox is almost itchy).

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