Sometimes I wonder a little about looks-related self-esteem issues. Because as far as I am concerned, I always thought I look extremely kawaii desu. I think I look really neat, actually. I know I am a few (more than a few…) pounds above my ideal weight but that doesn’t refrain me from being extremely cute and good looking!
I never had a problem with swimsuits as well either. And I know I am overweight. But I look at my figure and I think “yes, I could afford to lose weight but I don’t look half-bad. I like the looks, thanks mirror”. So when people go and tell me they’re not comfortable in bikinis because of their extremely sexy figures I’m all like “I don’t get it”, and I mean I don’t get it because I don’t have a similar experience I can relate to – which is the pattern I use to try to relate to other people’s issues.
I actually never had problems with my looks (teeth aside) and always considered myself really cute until someone pointed their finger at me and said “that isn’t right”. If nobody had told me that my fat is “too much fat” I would have never guessed. If nobody had said “your boobs could be better” I would have never figured my boobs were anything less than awesome (which they still are, the awesomes). I would have never thought of myself as “ugly” if nobody had ever told me so because I think I’m pretty cute. But then again, why would I trust other people’s judgement better than mine? Sure they may think I am not perfect, but if I look at myself and I think I’m pretty ok, why wouldn’t I trust my own opinion? You know, considering it’s my opinion about how I look? It’s kinda of a “me” thing. My opinions comes first, I guess, maybe that’s why these pointing fingers never stopped me from dressing the way I like or going to the beach in a bikini, because heck those words may hurt but I still want to swim and I don’t have a private pool!
So there was this huge gap between what I naturally thought I was – cute and badass – and what other people told me I was – fat and not cute and not pretty. And I presume this is true for other people too – that they feel they’re naturally good-looking until someone tells them that they’re not. It hurts when someone tells you you’re not good looking – and some people will interiorize this so much they’ll eventually believe it and assume they somehow must fix themselves. Words hurt but I often find myself thinking – are these people seeing what I am seeing? Can’t they see past the chubb they consider so demoniac to see that I actually look nice?
Why are other people so concerned about my weight anyway?