Hey look, it’s September!! It’s been pretty much a year since I started going crazy. I can’t pinpoint dates as to when it started, I think it was some sort of gradual process, but I do remember clearly that September was when things started getting a little rough and weird. Tho I also remember that by this time I wasn’t on medication yet (good thing or not? You decide!)
But maybe I should use this date to think back about the things that happened and how they affect me afterwards. There are still things about this period that make me unbelievably angry, mostly about problems/issues that arised during that phase but have far outlived it. Tho I still feel that the roots begin there. On the other hand, I’m somewhat glad that these issues are around, but let me explain: it’s not like I’m happy about feeling angry or anything, but it’s because these issues allowed me to learn a lot about the people involved which I don’t think I would’ve learned otherwise. I feel like I somewhat got to know some people and I’m glad that I’m no longer delusional about those relationships. But about other people, other relationships, I’m really happy to have found that they are supportive and are always there for the kind or harsh words that I might need. And I’m really really happy to know this.
I can tell you different stories with different protagonists and different endings, all refering to last year and how my perception of people changed. I think I may write these stories in different posts or this one would grow huge. However, some of the stories are long and filled with details while others are really short, but they were all significant. Here goes my first story.
I used to have a friend. I thought I was bestfriends with this person, actually. I had met him on my first year of college and he was really one of those people I felt comfortable around – I could talk to him just about everything and that felt great! I really considered him one of the most special people on my life and I didn’t refrain from telling him this – that I deeply appreciated our friendship, how comfortable I felt, and how he was like a brother to me.
It was precisely because I thought that way about him that I recurred to him when I started feeling down. I thought I could talk to him about my increasing anxieties and fears and I considered that I would be able to count on him if it was necessary. Which eventually came to be. As time progressed, things got darker and darker and I’d feel worse by the day. Though this friend would drop by sometimes at college for visits, as things got worse he grew more distant. Suddenly I was wondering how come it was always me to take the iniciative of making plans, how come I was trying to talk about my difficulties and his replies would be increasingly more distant… By then I was increasingly feeling like distancing myself from people and just don’t talk to anyone at all. An increasing demand for isolation. But I knew no good would come out of that so I forced myself to interact with other people. And unfortunantly, I was forcing myself to interact with this friend – and then noticed he was the one who probably didn’t want to interact with me much.
It got worse because the more I was in deep need for human interaction, the more he’d avoid me and grow angry at me for being so demanding. I would get very angry too because I just didn’t understand – we’re friends, right? How come you’re abbandoning me like this? How come you don’t want to help me when I’m feeling this down? Does it not matter to you that I am feeling this down and desperate? It hurt a lot because I was expecting something completely different. I was expecting support, but I was only getting this evasive behaviour which was only making me worse. As if was not bad enough that I was the one trying to communicate when the only thing I wanted was to be alone forever, it was a backstab to understand that he didn’t really want to communicate either.
This relationship would only find increasing detrioration from there on. Because I’d get angry and really vocal about these things that were upsetting me greatly and he’d go defensive, saying things like “I’d rather be playing games than talking to you” and “Go find someone else to talk to” and “Why do you cling to things so much, why can’t you let it go? We’re not as good friends as we used to be because you can’t let anything go”. And we’d have these fights pretty much everyother week, and fighting takes up a lot of energy. And I didn’t have much energy left because I was too busy feeling anxious all day and working my ass off and having classes. After some of these fights he’d admit he was being stupid and selfish but would resume his behaviour shortly after. Somehow, I was dumb enough to keep on seeking something better there. Eventually, he’d start “punishing” me for trying to come back at him when he had these childish behaviours. Somehow, if he said or did anything, it was excused “This is who I am and I can’t be anything different, I don’t know what you were expecting” or shifting the blame to me. But if I ever stepped out of the way or said anything he didn’t like, I’d have to deal with rage outbursts and more blaming and even long periods of no contact. When I had a month without hearing anything from him I knew I had enough. What a toxic person! I was already off the medication and on my way to feel good again about things and I was into not letting these things get the best of me.
Although I tried to cut off the relationship I had with him, this has proved incredibly difficult. We were friends for four years, after all. But then he showed me he is not to be trusted and that when things stop being perfect, he’s not the one I can count off. He’ll just tell me it’s my fault for not understand how good of a person he is, all while going on replacing me for better friends. But somehow I still have this little thing whispering to me that maybe this time he’ll prove to be a decent human being after all and do something positive. I try to ignore this voice. To this day I have trouble cutting off, but I am aware that he did made a time that was already bad into something terrible. And I sure have learned that he is no friend.